Through My Eyes...

This day has been incredibly difficult. I haven't had very good control over my emotions. I have cried a lot and wish that I would feel something else then anxiety and depression. I have decided to tell my story of what I experienced the night that we found out Jeremy had died. I am not writing this from memory...shortly after all of this happened I had been up for close to a week and could not sleep. I decided to journal hoping that maybe it would relieve some of my grief and constant thoughts and worries. What you are about to read is what is in my Journal.

November 12th, 2010

Nothing is the same. Everything has changed. I will never be Sarah post November 9th, 2010 again.

November 9th started out like any regular day. I was frustrated with school, tired of working yet loving every second of my freedom. I had some hard times but I have amazing friends in my life to talk to and to hangout with. Honestly, I felt nothing wrong could happen.

Oh how I was wrong...

November 9th was a Tuesday. I had class like normal but of course procrastinated and had two 1000 word essays to write for my IST class. Later that night I asked my sister Jenny to help me finish one essay so that I could get done and hangout and watch Glee. For some reason that day I felt like I really wanted to hangout with Jenny and Vee. So I told Vee that I would be over later to watch Glee. Jenny started complaining that she really wanted to see me so I told her that she should come with me to Vee's house. She actually agreed to join and I was so happy! On the way there I told her that I thought Jeremy would already be there and that I thought, her and Jeremy would really get along! I was really excited :) When Jenny and I arrived it was about 8:30pm. Veronica almost right away mentioned that she hadn't heard from Jeremy. Of course we thought nothing of it, because in no way could anything happen to Jeremy. While watching Glee she was trying to text him. Then she decided to text Jon to see if he had heard from him. Because it was unusual that nobody had heard from him by this point. Time passed, I messaged him asking, "Where are you?" All the while joking that if he was okay we were going to hurt him for making us worry so much. More time passed and Jon decided he was just going to check on him. He picked up Mark and told Vee that they would let her know when they found him. More time passes and Jenny and I are about to leave the house...

Then we get the call...

Veronica picked up the phone and jumped up off the couch and screamed, "WHAT?!!? Jon, are you kidding?!! That is not funny, Jon!! Where are you?!" I was on my feet by now and was asking her what was going on. She was putting on shoes. I was putting on shoes asking Jennifer simultaneously if she would stay and watch the kids. She said, "Of course, Sarah!" I ran to find my coat and bumped into Faith who had woken up from the screaming. I said, "What's wrong baby?? Did you have a bad dream?" She said, No. Why is Mommy screaming?" I told her that to not worry about it and quickly tucked her back into bed.

The next thing I know we are in my car, pulling out of her driveway. I quickly stop at the first stop sign and then proceed to run the rest of them without stopping. Veronica is trying to get directions to the place in Holly. We end up on North I-75 where I find myself in a state of shock. Veronica was asking Jon, "Is he still breathing?!" I say, Oh God... Holding her hand I increase the speed of my car as she keeps asking questions and gets no answers...first 75mph then 85...95...110...130....flying down I-75 I pray to God to keep us safe and Jeremy. We meet the exit and the next thing I know we are pulling on to a dirt road following it along. As we get closer I see police lights, fire truck lights and ambulance lights, then Jon's truck. I drive til I see the first car. I stop and we speed out of the car and start running toward Jon...past officers. Jon grabs Vee and hugs her. A paramedic lady walks up to us and thoughtlessly says, He's already gone. He's been gone for a while. Veronica says, "What!? No this isn't happening!?! What?!

I turn around holding my head unable to process...

Still the reality (actually to this day for me) has not set in. They eventually bring Veronica and I into the ambulance. Veronica keeps asking if they are for sure he is gone...sobbing...I have no words...I hold her saying, "breathe Vee, just keep breathing"....The ambulance lady says, "Is there anyone you would like to call?" Vee said, "I am not going to call until we are sure!" Ambulance lady says, "Honey we are sure..." (stabbing pains begin) I grab my phone from my pocket and stare at it blankly, knowing I have no idea what to say, who to call, and what to do. Vee tells me to call Jodie, cause she will know what to do. And she did.

Fast-foreword...

I am sobbing telling my parents, sobbing holding Veronica...sobbing because this could not be happening...this is a dream...I will wake up soon...but no.

We are all standing outside freezing...shaking from the cold and the shock when Veronica asks Mark to pray...He prays for us as I hold Veronica and lean on those close to me. Veronica keeps saying that she wants to see him. I did NOT. I felt so sick I almost threw up a couple of times... Next thing I know Veronica's parents arrive and then Jodie and Gary.

By the end of the night we are waiting for the coroner to get there to bring Jeremy's body from the woods. Veronica is shaking so hard I tell her we need to get into a car and warm up. We wrap her in a blanket and take off her shoes and hold her feet with our hands, attempting to warm them. From here somehow we convinced Veronica to not see Jeremy until he was cleaned up...(we still all regret this)

Fast-Forward...

We are still sitting in Jodie's van waiting until the corner's car drives by with Jeremy's body. I look back to see a distant abyss of a body, with swollen, hopeless eyes where my friend Veronica once stood... We head back to Veronica's old house.

You see, everything changed on that day. Everyone connected to Jeremy was affected in good and bad ways. I subconsciously decided to live with Veronica and the kids...I don't regret I single decision I have made. Over this past year I have had more melt downs, more anxiety attacks, more worry, more reality checks than I have had my entire life. Watching as my friend broke again each day, waking up to a reality that was chosen for her and she had no control over.

I have questioned so many things...Why did it have to be Jeremy? Why did it have to be three months before Carter was born? Why so young? What was the point? Why didn't God stop this from happening?! I have tried bartering, praying, wishing that I could take his place so Veronica and her precious babies didn't have to go through this...

But in this unbearable, unknowingly difficult time I have learned more about myself, my relationships, and God that I could learn in a lifetime. People from everywhere and (I do mean EVERYWHERE) have donated money, given gifts, sent up COUNTLESS prayers for Vee and the kids since this all happened. I can't express the gratitude that I have for God helping me see the hearts of so many people around me that stepped up and continue to do so to each day for the Kings.

I don't know all of the answers. I still question why God did not stop this but through all of this I never ONCE questioned if God was present. I swear to you that everything I said to people the first 2 months were not my own words, they were not my actions. It was as if God was showing me exactly how to be, what to ask, when to be quiet, when to say something and what to do.

After going through this...(and it is not yet over), I still know that GOD IS GOOD. ALL THE TIME!

Jeremy, I miss you. I miss our petty arguments. I miss your big heart that you couldn't really hide from anyone. I miss seeing you and Veronica together. I miss seeing you interact with the kids. If I could do anything or give anything to bring you back I would. I can't wait to see you again. I want a big hug! Not a side hug like you used to give me ;) I promised Veronica that I would see to it that YOU were the first one she would see in heaven. I am going to play defense as she runs towards you. When I get to see your reunion I will cry...(screw the no tears in heaven bit!)

For now...we must wait.

Continue to watch over us. 

And I will see you soon friend. 

Love you.