I have been able to focus on one group of people's emotions making sure that through all of this I could help in someway, make them smile in someway, make their load lighter in someway, make sure they were still breathing...But the problem with distractions is that it's just that, a distraction. When you slow down and check in on life after being gone for 6 months, the repercussions are excruciatingly painful to face. To be honest I don't remember a lot of what has gone on except for the things I have wrote about. Through all of this time people have said to "make sure you take care of you too"...How in the world was I supposed to think of me in a time like that...even now??---a year from now? I know that I am prone to be selfish, it is something I have to constantly be aware of in my life. Now I feel it creeping in, staining every relationship in my life.
I don't know what normal people do when they grieve but all I want to do is stay in bed, by myself. Away from the world, listening to music, writing if I need to, watching sappy movies just so that I can cry about something else for a change... that is what this Saturday is dedicated to, allowing myself to feel pity, self-loath some and then tomorrow get up and help people who are hurting worse then me. "Stronger for a little longer", that's my motto.
I wish that I could see 2 years into the future and see what my world will be like then...If the friends I have tried to help will find joy by then. It is such I weird feeling to help people and not see any results. To not feel them getting better, happier, because you gave them every part of you, every second of your time, every moment of your energy, feeling for 6 months that you were not good enough...Grief is unpredictable. It stings every ounce of my being, effects every aspect of my life. Can I blame them for not getting better? No.
I need to grieve. I need to feel like I exist...that I matter outside of this grief stricken world...
Is it so wrong to want to hibernate?... to hide for a while?... Yes I am scared to lose even the life I have come to know this past 6 months but, I need time to breathe. I am afraid that people will forget about me, that the friends I have gained from this tragedy will forget me, that I will fade into the background...
But I guess I have to take my chances and try to take time for myself.
I want to go somewhere and be alone with my thoughts but when I am at home all I want to do is sleep and when I am at Vee's I can't turn off my brain.
I was not planning on posting this whole thing but nobody reads my blog anyway and I need to start saying how I feel, otherwise I might just implode.
Today I stayed in bed, tomorrow I might do the same. Who knows?...
