I have this weird thing that is a part of my personality. If someone is having a bad day I usually take it upon myself to make sure I can make it better in someway. It is the same thing for someone who is feeling left out I try to make them feel comfortable, I am not always successful at this or notice every single person that is having a hard time...Another facet of my personality is when I am at the gym with a friend. I usually work harder to keep up with them or push them if they are having a hard time and run when I don't think I can anymore just so that I can see them succeed. It is like I need them more than they need me. It is really backwards. This has been my entire life. For example, my sister is always happy to see me and spend time with me and I am too. But then there is something in me that if someone is in a good mood or pretending to be...I turn into the broken one that is having a horrible day. There is never a time that her and I are both in good moods at one time. It's like if I don't have someone to make better or help, I have to focus on me and the fact that I am falling apart which is something I don't usually have the time to notice. I forgot to mention that I also have this other thing where I can feel tension or feelings of someone else's so intensely that sometimes I can't see past it or overcome the feeling to cry.
Today was one of those days and this Father's day was not a good one for me.... I couldn't ignore the fact that this day was Hell for my best friend and my beautiful babies that I have gotten to love so deeply that being away from them literally makes my arms ache. Being at church seeing all of those happy families, first time Dads... it made me want to take them and hide them away just so it wouldn't be so evident of the loss that has occurred. I feel the need to protect and fix, but what happens when there is no possible way to fix what has been broken? It can be mended, yes, but what was before will never be again the way it was. What was up is now down, what was left is now right, what was forwards is now backwards. Most days I can focus on something else. Today I physically couldn't stop myself from thinking not only about my friend, but everyone else who this day was very tough for. I didn't want to say much about Father's day until I realized that if I don't take in what a blessing it is to still have my Dad around, I am a fool.
So right now I have to turn it around and say how thankful I am to have my Dad in my life. He is an amazing provider for our family...
He is incredibly selfless and has the biggest, giving heart that I have witnessed in my life. For so long I have taken for granted what this day means, but knowing what a void it would be to not have my Dad around, makes me want to hug him and never let go.
Happy Father's Day Daddy,
I love you with all my heart.
