Sunday, May 22, 2011

Art of Distraction

Grief is a funny thing. To be honest only lately have I felt the emotions of this 6 month old tragedy that has devastated my friends and family. Why now you might ask?...I have just recently began working at a preschool and someone asked me, "now what makes you so good at a job like that?" I said that I am very good at the art of distraction. The talent of distraction, has gotten me through the last 6 months.

I have been able to focus on one group of people's emotions making sure that through all of this I could help in someway, make them smile in someway, make their load lighter in someway, make sure they were still breathing...But the problem with distractions is that it's just that, a distraction. When you slow down and check in on life after being gone for 6 months, the repercussions are excruciatingly painful to face. To be honest I don't remember a lot of what has gone on except for the things I have wrote about. Through all of this time people have said to "make sure you take care of you too"...How in the world was I supposed to think of me in a time like that...even now??---a year from now? I know that I am prone to be selfish, it is something I have to constantly be aware of in my life. Now I feel it creeping in, staining every relationship in my life.
I don't know what normal people do when they grieve but all I want to do is stay in bed, by myself. Away from the world, listening to music, writing if I need to, watching sappy movies just so that I can cry about something else for a change... that is what this Saturday is dedicated to, allowing myself to feel pity, self-loath some and then tomorrow get up and help people who are hurting worse then me. "Stronger for a little longer", that's my motto.
I wish that I could see 2 years into the future and see what my world will be like then...If the friends I have tried to help will find joy by then. It is such I weird feeling to help people and not see any results. To not feel them getting better, happier, because you gave them every part of you, every second of your time, every moment of your energy, feeling for 6 months that you were not good enough...Grief is unpredictable. It stings every ounce of my being, effects every aspect of my life. Can I blame them for not getting better? No.
 I need to grieve. I need to feel like I exist...that I matter outside of this grief stricken world...
Is it so wrong to want to hibernate?... to hide for a while?... Yes I am scared to lose even the life I have come to know this past 6 months but, I need time to breathe. I am afraid that people will forget about me, that the friends I have gained from this tragedy will forget me, that I will fade into the background...
But I guess I have to take my chances and try to take time for myself.

I want to go somewhere and be alone with my thoughts but when I am at home all I want to do is sleep and when I am at Vee's I can't turn off my brain.
I was not planning on posting this whole thing but nobody reads my blog anyway and I need to start saying how I feel, otherwise I might just implode.
Today I stayed in bed, tomorrow I might do the same. Who knows?...

Sunday, May 15, 2011

The Simple Life...

This past weekend I went to Ohio and spent sometime with my Grandparents. My Grandma and Grandpa are by far the best people I know. If you have been following my blog, you would know that they just had their 50th Anniversary. I have been wanting to visit them for the longest time but my life recently, has not allowed me to do so. I made it down there on Thursday afternoon and stayed until today. We made a lot of new memories and I enjoyed being in a house that didn't have WI-FI for a change. I loved having a conversation that wasn't interrupted by a text message or phone call or me checking Facebook. It was the simple life. Any who....Of course I have some pictures to show you of the new memories I made with my Grandma and Grandpa.

Enjoy :)

My Grandma does not go out of the house without her lipstick. Whenever I am at her house I wear her lipstick. Can you tell that we are related?? ;)

During my visit we drove down the boulevard and rolled down our windows and looked at and smelled the sweet, beautiful lilacs...They are my Grandma's favorite! 
Just Beautiful... 

I LOVE how this picture turned out.

I love this woman....

Every second with a loved one, is a new memory that you can cherish. There's nothing more valuable then having someone in your life that reminds you of who you are...or more importantly, who you want to be.

Friday, May 6, 2011

21st Birthday Party!!

Let me start by saying I am incredibly blessed with amazing friends that I do not know how I acquired... My 21st Birthday will always be the most amazing memory I have to this date. All the people I love were there. People came from out of town to celebrate with me. I loved every second of it. First of all this night would not have happened if it were not for Jennifer, my beautiful SELFLESS sister. I appreciate everything she is and how she makes me feel so special. That is her God given gift... A special thanks goes out to Ana, Liz, my Momma, and Veronica who made this day special for me...Plus Mar-Bear (who watched the her)

I wanted to share some pictures of my party with you all so that you can maybe get a glimpse of the awesome night that I had.


21 BABY!!! :)